If
I had been raped by a man, everything that is wrong in my life would fit in its
right place. No make-up would be
acceptable. No contacts would be
warranted. Baggy clothes would go
un-noticed. If I had been raped by a
man, the copious amounts of medication I have put down my throat might actually
help me. My drinking problem and
promiscuity would be explained, and I would have more outlets than I ever
thought possible. The cuts on my legs
would be accepted as a coping mechanism and people would want to help me
instead of judge me.
In
my ideal world, being raped by a man would have changed the core being of who I
am to this very day; however, I do not live in my ideal world. I live in a world surrounded by lies and
disappointment. A world full of random
sex with strangers, alcoholism, and a serious nicotine addiction…or perhaps the
alcoholism is more serious. To
counteract those horrible acts, I have a severe panic disorder that has created
a true homebody. At 26, I am nobody, but
surprisingly, I am going places so fast that my head spins.
I
have fought my past for so many years, but I am over my current state of
thinking. It is time to reveal my truth
to the world.
Reader…think
back to your earliest memory…Do you have it?
Are you three and sitting in a kiddie pool surrounded by loved ones who
are enjoying their time with you? Are
you four and having your birthday at Chuck E Cheese with all your friends
eating pizza and drinking caffeinated soda?
Are you five and starting your first day of kindergarten, worried that
no one will like you? Where are you if
not in a sandbox or swinging on a swing?
My guess is that your earliest memory is something fun, as it should be,
because at that age you had so much to learn.
I
was five when I created my first memory.
Anything prior to that I unintentionally blocked out. Every day after early morning kindergarten I
went to Mindy Peore’s house. She had an
at home daycare ranging with kinds from birth to 6th grade. Walking in her house you could smell old
cooked food that seeped a stench of B.O. Mindy had long, stringy brown hair and
resembled a look of way too much Sun-In in during the summer months. It was almost a golden brown…but an ugly
golden brown.
I
liked Mindy’s house at first. She gave
us all treats after school and she let me play with her daughter’s barbie
dolls. None of the other kids ever got to play with the Barbies. Mindy made us sit at a plastic playschool picnic
bench and color inside the lines. If we
strayed from inside the lines, Mindy made us start a new page. She would tell
us to re-do it and then walk away.
Coloring had to be perfect at Mindy’s house.
The
story is that Mindy walking away left me an opening to act out an experience I
had learned about and unwillingly experienced.
Even if unwilling, I learned to love the feeling it created.
Underneath
the Playskool slide was a toddler; probably about two, still in diapers. I thought, “This could work.” I made my way over to the toddler, who was
underneath the slide and out of vision from all other occupants of the room. I mounted the from behind. I dry humped this poor child until I had an
orgasm. What sways be sideways is that
when I was done I went back to coloring as if nothing had happened.
True
story…that is my first memory. I
dry-raped a child. I don’t even remember
their name but can only hope to this day that I didn’t create their first
memory. How dare I beget an unwanted act at the infantile memory of an
innocent?
Are
you asking yourself how I could do such a thing? Where I would have even learned it? It is a simple story. My sister had sex with me before I could even
speak full sentences. Is it her fault that
this happened? No. It is the teenager that thought it would be
funny to have her sister and my sister have sex with each other. From what I have gathered, the older girls
watched.
Did
they think it was funny? What would ever
possess someone to do such a thing?
Reader,
I don’t blame my sister for the start of this scenario as she was only seven;
however, I do blame her for letting it go on so long.
Visit
me soon if you can even fathom reading more.
-M
